Why It Would Really Suck To Live In Hyrule

Hyrule is the fictional, medieval(ish) setting where the majority of The Legend of Zelda games take place. When you're playing as Link, the magical kingdom feels like an immersive sandbox for you to explore while embarking on an epic quest to defeat the evil Ganon. There's a reason the latest installment won Game of the Year at The 2017 Game Awards: adventuring through Hyrule is one of the best experiences that gaming has to offer.

But if you think actually living in Hyrule would be as awesome as fighting your way through it as Link, think again. Life in the mythical kingdom sounds downright awful for the average Hylian who doesn't have a magical sword and some fairies in their pouch. In fact, we'd probably never leave the house if we lived in Hyrule because almost everything about the place is waiting to take you to the big Game Over screen in the sky.

With its lush fields, roaring rivers, mountainous landscapes, and ancient architecture, almost every route in Hyrule is the scenic route. But good luck actually enjoying it. The moment you leave your village, it's a crapshoot about your chances of survival. From territorial Lynels to skeletons that burst from the ground at night, there's barely an inch of terrain that isn't trying to kill you. That ancient architecture we mentioned earlier? Shoots laser beams at you. Not to mention packs of bokoblins just waiting to rob you blind and leave you for dead.

Sure, there's a chance that Link kid might show up and save you, but more than likely, his sword will break right in his hands while you become a Hylian shish-kabob. You were just going out for bread!

While most villages in Hyrule are relatively safe from monster attacks, it's your neighbors that you have to look out for the most. You might live next to somebody for years, only to find out they've been an evil agent for Ganon the whole time. On top of that, everybody's way up in everybody else's business, and some people actually keep detailed journals about their neighbors' every move–and they just leave it out for anyone to read. Who does that?

And God forbid something important gets stolen. Link will interrogate the whole village at all hours of the night trying to find it. 

During one of Ganon's attempts to destroy Hyrule–which happens a lot–an ancient civilization built four massive, animal-shaped robots called Divine Beasts. In fairness, the idea was pretty rad. Each beast would fire a giant laser beam at Ganon, and then Link or Princess Zelda (or whoever) would defeat him. Instead, Ganon possessed all four of the Divine Beasts, and then let them stomp around wreaking havoc on the weather and nearby villages for the next century. Not to mention, these behemoth death machines will shock the crap out of anyone who accidentally gets too close to them. Thank for nothing, ancient ones.

Despite Hyrule's picturesque landscape, it's hard not to notice a certain geographical formation–namely, the gigantic active volcano ominously referred to as Death Mountain. On its own, the volcano is positioned dangerously close to anything and everything in Hyrule, and it's already known to spew flaming boulders while lava constantly runs down the side. Considering you most likely live in a flammable, wooden hut, that's not good.

To make matters worse, the Gorons who live on Death Mountain are constantly using explosives to mine the volcano for precious metals, and the Divine Beast Vah Rudania is crawling all over the place with its massive lizard body crushing everything in its path. But in case both of those things aren't a big enough disaster waiting to happen, sometimes Link goes up there and just starts throwing bombs around. All of that should end well.

If there's one thing residents of Hyrule love, it's masks. They are obsessed with them, and they will trade you the craziest stuff to get their hands on one. Even weirder, the biggest mask dealer in Hyrule is some weird guy named Kilton who shows up at random places in the middle of the night and only accepts payment in a currency he invented. (Don't worry. You can get your hands on some by selling him body parts from monsters that are trying to kill you.)

On top of that, Kilton sells masks of the deadly creatures in Hyrule. It's creepy enough to see a moblin when you're on the road, but thanks to mask fever, you might see a bokoblin at your local general store. Is it real, or just Fred down the street? The fun part is finding out when it's too late. And to really keep you on your toes, Link is probably the biggest mask fanatic in all of Hyrule. The kid has one of everything, and you never know where he's going to show up next. It's terrifying.

While shrines and dungeons are often equipped with locks, the same can't be said for your average residential home in the land of Hyrule. Which means anyone can come busting through your door at any moment, and most of the time it's Link. Of course. When he's not waking you up in the middle of the night to ask stupid questions, he's smashing jars all over the place and taking whatever's in them. That's straight-up burglary. Unfortunately, Hyrule doesn't have a police force, and the only "hero" around just spent your grocery money on a new motorcycle.

Rupees are essentially the official currency of Hyrule. In theory, if you have a couple of those in a jar at home, you're doing alright. In practice, you're at the mercy of a barter system that places way too much emphasis on masks. And with no banks around, good luck trying to build a retirement fund with whatever Rupees you do have. If Link doesn't bust into your house and rob you blind, he'll find whatever hidden chest you used to store your life savings. Did you really think it was safe at the bottom of a lake? The kid has nothing but time (and a magical magnet) on his hands.

As if there aren't enough perils to living in Hyrule, the Yiga Clan adds another helping of uncertainty to the mix. Not only can these deadly soldiers teleport into the air and levitate while raining arrows at you, they also can change their appearance to look like ordinary Hylians. Literally anyone could be a member of their clan, and you'll never know it until they throw a sickle at your face. To make matters worse, the Yiga will show up in greater numbers if Link happens to defeat one of their leaders. Because that's just what your day needs, more shape-shifting ninjas who lived right next to you for 30 years.

Should you decide to arm yourself in the hopes of making it into your golden years, you should probably know that almost every single weapon in Hyrule has the durability of porcelain. We're not really sure what happened, but everything from a rake to royal weaponry is apparently more fragile than Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. You'd almost be better off throwing rocks, but we're pretty sure those immediately break on impact, too. As for finding a decent blacksmith, the few that exist will only fix "legendary" items–and take a guess who's walking around with all of those? We'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "dink."

Of all the problems in Hyrule, nothing is more catastrophic than when Ganon comes around. Evil minions rise to serve him, dark magic ravages the kingdom, and Link is basically given carte blanche to do whatever has to do to stop him–which somehow involves stealing every rupee in your house.

Granted, Link will eventually deliver and defeat Ganon, thus restoring peace to Hyrule. But let's be realistic. That almost never lasts. Ganon always comes back, and it's always something crazy. The last time he tried to destroy Hyrule, he was a dragon that later turned into a 80-feet-long hellbeast and exploded all over the countryside. What do you think he's going to be after that? A cute, fluffy bunny?